


it's not easy finding the words to say

by someonelsesheart



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Humour, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-26
Updated: 2015-04-26
Packaged: 2018-03-25 13:35:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3812452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/someonelsesheart/pseuds/someonelsesheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I think," says Raven, "that if you love somebody as much as you love Clarke, you should tell them. She deserves to know. And if it all goes wrong, I'll commandeer a car and we can move to Iceland under new identities. We'll adopt a dog, open a coffee shop, buy an apartment. You can sing on the streets, I'll charge people to get you to stop."</p><p>"You're right," says Lexa suddenly. She pauses. "About telling her, not the Iceland thing." </p><p>(Or: Lexa is in love with her best friend. Unfortunately, her best friend happens to be getting married. To somebody who is not her.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's not easy finding the words to say

**Author's Note:**

> I have no excuses.

Lexa’s world ends the day she finds her best friend drunk on her sofa.

Lexa peels off her coat, throws it over a chair and sits on the end of the sofa. Clarke’s blonde hair is almost white under the light, her skin pale. Lexa runs her hand through Clarke’s hair and says, “Tell me what happened.”

Clarke stares up at the ceiling with wide eyes and says, “He asked me to marry him.”

Lexa has been best friends with Clarke for four years. They met at college – in the library, like an awful cliché. In another world, they might never have met: Lexa studied history, Clarke med, and they had no classes together. But Clarke had asked Lexa for a pen, Lexa had given her one, and Clarke had proceeded to trip on her way back to her desk and stab herself in the shoulder with it.

She’d been perfectly fine, but three hours in the emergency department tended to form a certain type of unbreakable friendship.

They were twenty when Clarke met Finn Collins.

That was when Lexa’s world started to slowly fall apart.

“What did you say?” asks Lexa.

“Of course,” says Clarke, “I said yes.”

*

Lexa is twenty-two and she has her shit together. She does, okay? She’s nearly finished her thesis, and she has a job lined up to becoming an assistant professor at NYU. She has dreams of being the sort of professor people Like, not Kind Of Tolerate. She’s on track. Everything’s fine.

“Everything is _not fine,_ ” snaps Octavia, bursting into her room bright and early on Lexa’s only day off and throwing open the blinds. “What do you mean ‘everything is fine’? Why would you text me that? Clarke is getting married to _Finn Collins,_ Lexa. Finn _Collins._ ”

“I know his name, Octavia.” 

“I don’t know, I thought maybe you’d forgotten. Since you said that everything is _fine_ and all.” Octavia stomps over and yanks the covers off her. “Get up. Get up, get up, get _up._ ”

“ _Why_?”

“Because Clarke has invited us all to lunch to celebrate the news,” she hisses, “and you’re going to sit there and listen to her talk about Finn and pretend to be happy for her because even after four years you can’t tell the poor girl how much you’re in _love_ with her!”

“As if it would change anything.”

Octavia throws her hands up. “You’re both beyond help. I’m going to get coffee from the Starbucks down the road and when I get back, I expect you to be up and ready to go.” When Lexa doesn’t move she snaps, “ _Today,_ soldier.”

Lexa groans and drags herself out of bed. “You are the devil.”

“Darling, you say the nicest things.”   

*

Lunch, as it turns out, is at the nice restaurant about twenty minutes from Lexa’s apartment. She’d maybe been expecting that they’d just be meeting at McDonalds, knowing Clarke. It’s only a quick ten minute walk from the station, by which time Lexa has finished her coffee and is feeling marginally more awake.

“Clarke is getting married,” Lexa says, realising. “To Finn.”

“Oh, you’re finally catching up, good to hear.” Jasper sidles up behind Lexa, Maya and Monty trailing behind him. He looks like he might go in for a hug but settles with punching her in the shoulder when she glowers at him. “Kind of crazy, huh? Our little Clarke getting married.”

“Yeah,” echoes Lexa, “crazy.”

Octavia shoots her a strange look, then shakes her head. Monty smiles briefly at Lexa as he follows Octavia into the restaurant.

Bellamy is already there when they sit down, blinking half-asleep into his coffee. Clarke smiles at them when they sit down – at least until Jasper says, “Hey, Griffin, nice sex hair.”

Lexa accidentally pulls her chair back too suddenly and it screeches against the floor. Everybody turns to look at her. She stares at the table like it’s the most interesting thing she’s ever seen.

“So tell us everything,” Maya gushes. “How did he ask? Was it really romantic?”

Clarke says, “He took me out to this really expensive restaurant and got down on one knee in the middle of the restaurant. It was super romantic, I guess.”

 _You hate extravagant shows like that,_ thinks Lexa, but she doesn’t say it out loud. She’s been friends with Clarke long enough to know when she’s being helpful and when she’s just being bitter. Lately she’s been pretty bitter.

Lexa tunes out the conversation while she’s looking down at the menu. When she looks up again she just manages to catch “…Yeah, we want to do it ASAP. Hopefully within the next couple of months.”

“That’s really soon,” Octavia says, eyebrows raised.

“We’ve been dating for two years. I’m pretty sure it’s not _that_ soon.”

She tunes them out again. They order, and Lexa’s phone buzzes in her pocket. It’s Raven, one of the engineering graduates Lexa befriended in the campus café when they were both coffee-delirious and sleep-deprived. She’s got her graduation ceremony soon, wants to know if Lexa can come along. Says to bring friends, if she wants. Raven’s smart as anything, has a job lined up and a thousand other companies begging her to work for them.

Thing is, she doesn’t have any family. At least, not as far as she’s told Lexa. Lexa heard something about an alcoholic mother, but nobody she’s willing to take to graduation.

The fact that she considers Lexa family is a little sweet.

“New girlfriend?” Clarke asks, nudging Lexa’s phone across the table with a grin.

“Just a friend.” Lexa raises an eyebrow. “I am certainly not going to be marrying her anytime soon.”

The words are light, joking, and Clarke smiles. Still, there’s something in her gaze that Lexa can’t identify when she says, “Of course not. But you would tell me first if you _were_ to, right?”

“Are you saying you told Lexa first?” Bellamy looks mock-horrified. “Griffin, I thought _we_ were the bestest of friends.”

“Come on, Bell,” Octavia snorts. “As if you could ever overtake Lexa in Clarke’s affections. Not even her new fiancé could.”

Everybody laughs. Clarke rolls her eyes. “Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

It’s only hours later, standing with her key in her door, that Lexa realises Clarke didn’t deny it.

*

Lexa drinks a lot of caffeine, spends a lot of time putting the finishing touches on her thesis, and definitely does not ignore Clarke’s calls. It’s not that she’s _avoiding_ her exactly, just that she maybe needs some time. To. Adjust.

She meets Raven in the campus library at midday. She nearly slams Raven’s Frappuccino down on the table; she drained her own black coffee the second she had got it, scalding her tongue and burning her mouth. It hadn’t been worth the drama.

Raven’s eyebrows shoot up. “Wow, something’s got your usually chirpy demeanour ruffled.”

Lexa glares at her.

“That was sarcasm, by the way. Imagine somebody describing you as ‘chirpy’. Like, really. So what’s the deal? Lost your house keys? Broke your nail? Deleted half of your thesis?”

“My best friend,” says Lexa, “is getting married.”

“So…that’s good, isn’t it? Weddings. Things. People genuinely enjoy that shit.”

Lexa pauses, halfway through opening her laptop. “It is good for her.”

“But not you.” Raven’s eyes widen. “Wow. You’re in love with your engaged best friend. I didn’t peg you for the cliché, Lexa.”

“It’s complicated.”

“Doesn’t sound all that complicated to me. Have you tried, I don’t know, _talking_ to her?”

“And making her feel so guilty I ruin her happiness and we never speak again? Great plan.”

“That was the biggest overreaction ever.”

Lexa just shrugs. “We’ve been friends for four years, Raven. It _is_ complicated.”

“Prove it.”

“What?”

“I said _prove it._ Bring her to the graduation ceremony.”

Lexa’s eyes widen. “Raven, it is not a project. Clarke’s engaged, she’s probably straight, and she definitely, definitely is never going to want _me._ ”

“I’ll be the judge of that. The graduation’s tomorrow. I expect to see her there.”

Lexa says, “This is a terrible idea.”

“The best ideas are.”

“That doesn’t even make sense.”

*

Lexa _had_ been holding out for Clarke to reject the offer, say how she’s _super_ busy with the wedding and everything. Unfortunately, something clatters on the other end of the phone and she says, “This is the famous Raven, right? Of course I’ll come. Oh my God, what do I wear?”

“Clothes would be a good idea.”

“Not like your twenty-first birthday, then,” calls Anya from the other room, and Lexa actually facepalms.

“Is that Anya? Ooh, say hi from me.”

Lexa sighs, puts the phone on speaker. “Clarke says hi.”

“Hello, Griffin,” calls Anya. “How’s your dumbass of a fiancé?”

Clarke just laughs like she’s kidding. Anya probably isn’t kidding. She’s loathed Finn from the first time she set eyes on him, when he accidentally insulted her hairstyle, shoes, and Lexa’s aunt Indra.

They don’t take Finn to family gatherings anymore. Even Clarke’s parents, Lexa hears, have only met him twice.

Lexa hears the door slam on the other line, and Finn says, “Hi, honey.”

Anya makes a retching noise. Clarke says, “Hey, Lex, I gotta go. I’ll be there, okay? I’ll come ‘round to yours at four ish?”

“See you then.”

Lexa hangs up and stares at the wall for a long moment. Anya says, “Oh, Lexa.”

Lexa ignores her, flopping down onto the sofa. Anya just laughs.

*

Lexa is going to just wear a pair of jeans and a tank top to Raven’s graduation, maybe with her leather jacket thrown over the top. But Octavia, inviting herself over, takes it upon herself to dress Lexa, so by the time she leaves the house she’s wearing a pale blue dress, low heels, and Octavia’s light brown trench coat. Clarke is so going to know that’s not hers. In college, they practically lived out of each other’s closets.

Lexa worries she’s overdressed right until she opens the door to find Clarke standing there. Clarke is dressed in a tight top and a red skirt, black ankle boots that show off her legs. She’s wearing a dark red lipstick, too, and Lexa goes a little weak. Who could blame her, though, really.

“ _Damn,_ Lexa,” Clarke says, mouth tugging up at the corner. “You look hot. Trying to impress somebody?”

For a moment Lexa’s terrified that Clarke’s realised what’s going on, but Clarke looks relaxed and cheerful, even if there _is_ a strange look in her eyes. Lexa just shrugs. “Can I not dress up sometimes?”

“Sure, Lex. You _do_ look hot, though. I mean, you always look hot, but _this._ ”

Lexa tries not to think too hard about the words as she locks the door behind her. The trip to NYU is cold and bitter, but Clarke doesn’t seem bothered. She talks on and on about her study, about getting a dog when she finally gets her own place. She doesn’t say a word about Finn.

Lexa’s probably a masochist, because as they arrive at the mouth of the university she blurts out, “So are you excited? For the wedding?”

Clarke shrugs. Around the others she’d made a show of seeming excited, and she _does_ look excited, but she’s more relaxed around Lexa, because she knows Lexa is on her side no matter what. “Yeah, I guess. I mean, it’s kind of soon, isn’t it? I’m only twenty-two.”

“You could have said no.”

“I love Finn.”

“You can still love him and not want to marry him.”

Clarke shoots her a confused look. “Don’t you want me to marry Finn or something?”

“I just want you to be happy, Clarke.”

“I _am_ happy.” She doesn’t make eye contact as she says it. “So tell me about this Raven.”

Lexa’s a bit bewildered as to why Clarke’s so interested in Raven, but she acquiesces anyway. “We met at college. She’s studying engineering currently, could well be the best in the country. She’s really nice, kind of crudely hilarious.”

 Clarke says, softly, “She sounds great.”

“Yeah, she is.”

They arrive at the hall, find their seats pretty easily. The ceremony passes in a blur, and afterwards there’s a small supper where everybody can mingle. Raven immediately rushes over to them and throws her arms around Lexa, then holds her hand up for a high-five. “Hell yes _,_ Lexa, I’m gonna be rich as _fuck._ ”

Lexa laughs, and Raven casts her eyes to Clarke as if she’s only just seen her there. “You must be Clarke _._ ” She holds her hand out and Clarke shakes it, smiling. “I’ve heard so much about you.” She winks at Lexa, and Lexa wants to sink into the floor.

“You have?” Clarke laughs. “Honestly, I haven’t heard too much about _you_.” The words are joking, but there’s something under the surface. Lexa raises an eyebrow.

“Well, I’m a woman of mystery.” Raven winks. “Come on, let’s get drunk.”

Clarke remains tense throughout the night, despite the fact that she’s usually pretty relaxed around new people. Her comments are unintentionally snappy; though she’s not outright rude, there’s something that suggests she doesn’t really like Raven. Lexa isn’t really mad, more confused. Clarke likes _everybody._ She’s like the exact opposite of Lexa.

They’re talking about what Raven’s going to do now that she’s An Actual Adult and Lexa says, “I think your first step should probably be dumping your deadbeat boyfriend.”

“Wait,” Clarke says, “ _what_?”

“Ugh, yes, but we’ve been together forever, Lexa.”

“Hold on, you have a _boyfriend_?” demands Clarke.

“Yes,” Raven says, raising an eyebrow. “Is that so hard to believe?”

Clarke looks at Lexa. “You’re okay with that?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because you guys are _dating._ ”

There’s a moment of silence. Raven breaks it first, laughing so hard she looks like she might start crying, and Lexa covers a smile with her hand. “We’re not dating, Clarke. Don’t you think that I would tell you if we were?”

“At the lunch,” Clarke says, flushing, “I asked if you were talking to your girlfriend and you didn’t deny it –”

“I thought you were joking, Clarke. Raven’s just a friend.”

Clarke suddenly looks very guilty. “Oh. Okay. Sorry. So you were talking about a deadbeat boyfriend?”

Raven shrugs. “He’s just the guy I’ve known forever. I hardly ever see him anymore, and he’s a bit of a dick. But every time I try to leave him, he convinces me to take him back.”

“God, don’t you hate guys like that?”

Lexa wonders if that was why Clarke’s been so snappy all day, because she thought Raven and Lexa were _dating._ But she can’t be – why would she care so much about who Lexa dated?

For the rest of the night Clarke starts to warm a lot more to Raven, and they are actual friends by the end of it. Raven makes at least thirteen girlfriend jokes. They all maybe get a little too drunk, so when Clarke and Lexa take a taxi back to Lexa’s place, Lexa doesn’t stop herself from resting her head against Clarke’s shoulder.

Clarke rests her head atop Lexa’s and presses a kiss to her hair. “I love you, you know?”

Lexa swallows. “I know.”

*

Lexa wakes the next morning with a mild headache and a dry mouth, Clarke draped across her torso and drooling on her leg.

“Hot, Griffin,” Lexa mumbles, pushing her off and throwing her legs over the side of the bed. Clarke just falls face down on the mattress and continues sleeping. Something is buzzing nearby, and Lexa stands up with only a small wave of nausea and grabs Clarke’s phone off her bedside table.

The screen reads **FINN CALLING.**

Just Finn? Lexa wonders. She knows for a fact that she is Commander Lexa of the Woods Clan in Clarke’s phone because of that one time they got drunk in a forest and thought they were lost and going to die.

Lexa shakes her head and casts her eyes to Clarke. She’s still sleeping, and she looks exhausted. Lexa walks into the kitchen and waits for the phone to stop ringing, but it just starts up again. With a sigh, she presses answer.

“Clarke, _finally._ You were supposed to pick out a wedding dress with my mother today, but you’re not home. Where are you? It’s been two hours.”

“Um,” says Lexa. “She’s asleep, sorry.”

There’s a beat of silence. “Lexa? Why is she at yours?”

“We went to my friend’s graduation ceremony last night, got a little bit drunk.”

“You should have sent her home, Lexa.”

“Forgive me, I did not think that she should have to walk home drunk and alone.”

Another silence. “You’re right. You’re right, of course. Can you wake her up and send her home, please? My mother’s driving me mad.”

“Yeah, whatever,” says Lexa, and she hangs up.

Here’s the thing: Finn isn’t a dick. No matter what it may seem like, he is just a nice guy who’s made a lot of bad choices. _Still._

Lexa makes coffee and takes a cup to Clarke, opening the curtains as she goes. Clarke blinks into the sudden light and says, “Did I hear you talking to somebody? I thought I heard – oh my God, I’m going to be sick.” She runs to the toilet and throws up. Lexa puts down the coffee and goes to get a glass of water, rubbing Clarke’s back until she stops. It’s not the first time they’ve been in this situation by far.

Clarke drinks the water, swills out her mouth, then sits on the bed and sips at her coffee. “Sorry. You didn’t have to do that.”

“Yes I did.” Lexa rolls her eyes. “It was Finn on the phone. You were supposed to be going wedding dress shopping with his mom two hours ago. He said to send you home.”

“Oh God, you should have gotten rid of me.”

“Finn can wait. You’re not feeling the best. Why are you going wedding dress shopping with _his_ mother?”

Clarke waves a hand. “Apparently it’s some tradition in his family and his mom’s also, like, super neurotic about the wedding. She wants us to have it mid-May.”

“Mid-May? That’s only three weeks away.”

“Yeah.” Clarke swigs back her coffee and makes a face. “I better go. I had a good time, Lex, we should do this again sometime. With Raven, too. She could even come to the wedding – as your plus-one or something, maybe.” She grins. “For old times.”

Lexa laughs even though her insides roil at the mention of the wedding. “Okay. Get going, Clarke, before your fiance’s mother has your head.”

“God, she so would. I’ll see you soon, Lex.”

She gives Lexa a quick kiss on the cheek, grabs her phone and jacket, and is gone before Lexa can even say goodbye.

*

Lexa does not, in fact, see Clarke soon. She doesn’t see Clarke for another two weeks, until the day of her bachelorette party (organised by Octavia, of course, which means it will probably involve nudity and some form of certain death). She goes around Clarke’s early to get ready, lets Octavia do her makeup and accepts Clarke’s absurdly short dress to wear.

“Dude, you look ridiculously hot,” says Octavia with a smirk from where she’s doing her mascara. “If I didn’t have a boyfriend, I would so do you.”

Lexa snorts and turns to share a look with Clarke, but Clarke’s already staring at her with wide eyes. There’s a shock in her expression that she can’t mask quick enough, and something underneath, something burning and unrestrained. It’s gone in the blink of an eye, but Lexa looks over at Octavia to see that she saw it, too.

“What’d you think, Clarke?” Octavia says, a small smile lingering on her mouth. “Lexa looks hot, right?”

“Ridiculously,” says Clarke, seemingly recovering herself. “But you always do, Lex.”

Lexa blushes a little and sits down on the bed. Clarke accepts her own dress from Octavia and gets changed right there, sliding on the tight material with ease. It slides over her hips and hugs her curves. Lexa just kind of blinks at her as Clarke ignores their compliments, slipping on her shoes.

“Let’s do this,” Clarke says, like she’s going off to war.

*

Lexa remembers about one eighth of the bachelorette party. She remembers getting there, getting steadily drunker. There were strippers, and doing shots of Clarke’s navel, and also Octavia grinding against her. Then everything goes black.

She wakes up the next morning with a pounding headache in Clarke’s bed. This would be significant, except for the fact that Octavia and Maya are _also_ in Clarke’s bed.

Lexa leaves them to their sleep and pads out of the room and into the kitchen. She finds Finn there, cooking a fry-up. She’s so pleased that she almost forgets her disdain for Finn.

“Oh God,” she breathes. “That looks amazing.”

“Well, as first one up, you can take your pick.” Finn laughs and passes her a plate. “You guys must have had some fun last night.”

Lexa remembers her lips on Clarke’s hipbone as she licked off the tequila, the burning look in Clarke’s eyes as she pulled back, and says, “Yeah, it was nice.”

They make small talk until Octavia wakes up, then Maya, then Clarke. They’re all miserable and hungover, and Lexa leaves not long after with promises to text later. The wedding is in fifteen days. Clarke is getting married in fifteen days, and Lexa doesn’t know what to do.

She calls Anya and says, “I cannot let her get married without knowing.”

“So tell her,” says Anya, matter-of-fact, and hangs up.

*

Lexa finishes her thesis and starts talks with the college about coming on as a part-time lecturer. Things move ahead, and it’s a week before she sees Clarke again. She leaves a discussion with the dean to find Clarke waiting outside, two coffees in hand.

Lexa accepts the coffee. Black and strong, just the way she likes it. “What are you doing here, Clarke?”

“I miss you,” says Clarke. There are dark shadows beneath her eyes; she looks exhausted. “I’m starting to have nightmares about wedding cutlery.”

“Does it yell obscene things at you as you walk down the aisle?”

“Terribly. I didn’t know cutlery was so crude, to be honest.”

Lexa smiles, and they walk in silence for a while. Finally, she blurts out, “You should not go through with it if it’s making you miserable.”

Clarke frowns and stops in the middle of the path. “What’s the deal with this, Lex? It’s like you’re trying to convince me not to get married.”

“Come _on,_ ” Lexa snaps, suddenly angry and terrified. “Marriage is supposed to be exciting, and all you have done is complain about it. You do not look happy at all, Clarke, so why are you _marrying him_?”

“Because I _love_ him,” Clarke hisses, straightening so she’s nose-to-nose with Lexa. “I’m in love with him.”

Lexa laughs in her face. “Are you, Clarke? Because it sure as hell does not seem like it.”

Clarke stares at her, furious, and turns on her heel, storming off. Lexa calls out for her to stop, suddenly feeling guilty. She catches her arm and says, “I’m sorry, Clarke. I am sorry, okay? I just can’t believe that you are getting married.”

Clarke sags and lets Lexa pull her into a hug. “I know,” she says, and she sounds so tired. “I know.”

Lexa holds her tighter.

*

“She’s getting married _tomorrow,_ ” says Anya. “Don’t you think that you should say something?”

“She says she loves him. I cannot be that person who ruins a wedding because she’s in love with somebody who doesn’t love her back.”

Anya drags a hand over her face. “You are _such_ a dumbass.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.”

*

Octavia has the title of Maid of Honour – not because she’s Clarke’s best friend, but because Lexa had denied so vehemently that Octavia had been doing her a favour. A universe in which Lexa has to organise wedding things is not a universe anybody wishes to live in. Lexa had denied being a bridesmaid too, because she’s not a masochist, contrary to popular belief. But Lexa’s still Clarke’s best friend, so she spends Clarke’s wedding morning with Clarke and the bridesmaids.

Abby pulls her aside at one point, because apparently there are no secrets at all within this family, and says quietly, “You’re really not going to say anything, Lexa?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Yes, you do. You know we’d all support it. She loves you more than anything.”

“Not more than him.”

Abby shakes her head and sighs. “Alright, Lexa. Alright.”

Lexa’s left with a bad taste in her mouth afterwards, though she can’t think as to why.

The marriage is in an old church in a beautiful town an hour or so from the city. It’s only as Lexa is meeting Raven (because of course she’s the plus one, _for old times_ ) that she realises this is it. Clarke’s getting married.

She’s letting her best friend get married without ever knowing she’s in love with her.

Time seems to move so slowly as they walk into the church. Clarke will be walking in in two minutes; Finn’s already at the front of the church, shaking and nervous. Raven is so caught in conversation with Abby that she doesn’t even notice Lexa having her own little freakout. 

"Lexa. Hey, Lexa, look at me."

Lexa looks at her friend. "I don't know what to do."

"I think," says Raven, "that if you love somebody as much as you love Clarke, you should tell them. She deserves to know. And if it all goes wrong, I'll commandeer a car and we can move to Iceland under new identities. We'll adopt a dog, open a coffee shop, buy an apartment. You can sing on the streets, I'll charge people to get you to stop."

"You're right," says Lexa suddenly. She pauses. "About telling her, not the Iceland thing." 

Lexa stands and rushes from the church. She meets Clarke just as she’s getting out of the car. Clarke looks up, surprised, and Lexa freezes. Octavia stares at her with shock and expectance, and she blurts out, “I just wanted to check that you. That you. Got here okay.”

Clarke laughs and cups Lexa’s cheek. Lexa thinks there’s something like disappointment in her eyes. “I got here fine. No accidents. Go back inside, I’ll be okay without you.”

Lexa obeys, because what else can she do, and sits next to Raven. Her movements are wooden.

“Lexa, you’ll never guess what – hey, is that the groom?” Raven cranes her head to look to the front of the church.

Her face goes slack.

“Finn?” she whispers. And then, louder, pushing past Lexa into the aisle, “ _Finn Collins_?”

Finn looks up at the voice, half a smile on his face. The smile drops from his face when he sees Raven. The doors open to reveal Clarke, Octavia and Maya behind her. The music bursts to life, then comes to a screeching halt as Raven storms down the aisle.

Clarke pauses, confused. “What’s going on?”

Lexa has never seen Raven look so cold. “I should have known,” she hisses. “Finn Collins, you lying cheating _scum._ ”

Lexa realises at the same time Clarke seems to. Raven’s ‘deadbeat boyfriend’, the one she never sees, the one she grew up with, is the man Clarke’s marrying.

“Finn,” Clarke breathes, eyes wide, “tell me this isn’t true.”

“It’s true,” says Raven grimly. “Trust me, Clarke. It’s true.” And now Finn has two very angry-looking women glowering at him.

“Um,” Finn says. “I can explain.”

Clarke kicks off her shoes and storms down the aisle, hiking her skirt up around her hips. “I should never have agreed to marry you, Finn Collins,” she snaps. “I should have listened to the others, but I thought you were actually a decent guy. I should have listened to everybody when they told me I shouldn’t marry a man I don’t love, but I thought I’d give you a _chance,_ you piece of shit.”

And, in front of the entire wedding party, family, friends, and Finn’s mother, Clarke punches him.

She turns on her heel and walks out the church. Raven calls Finn a very bad word and follows. Lexa jumps to her feet and rushes after Clarke. She finds her collapsed on the steps outside. A single tear escapes, but that’s all; Clarke has never let anybody see when something really hurts her.

“Lex,” she whispers, looking up with wide blue eyes. She stands, dress filthy, makeup a mess. She lets out a watery laugh and looks down at herself. “I must look awful.”

“You look beautiful,” Lexa says, and kisses her.

Clarke freezes beneath her fingertips, hands half extended, reaching out. Lexa begins to pull back, mortified, when Clarke yanks her in and kisses her back. The kiss is messy and clumsy. It’s the best kiss Lexa has ever had.

“You…” Clarke says, and shakes her head. “God, Lexa. You know how to leave it until the last minute.”

“You knew?”

Clarke sighs and sits down on the steps, pulling Lexa down with her. “I hoped. But I accepted that you would never love me back years ago, Lexa. I barely let myself dream.”

“Years ago?”

“Years ago. Before I met Finn, even.”

“I’m sorry about Finn. And sorry for kinda ruining your wedding.”

Clarke shrugs. “Ah. You roll with the punches. Just imagine if you hadn’t brought Raven.” She drops her head to Lexa’s shoulder. “I love you, you absolute asshole. Thank you for ruining my wedding.”

*

Things go, as they tend to: Finn is consequently excommunicated from their circle of friends and family, there’s crying, more punching of things, Clarke and Raven bond over their cheating ex-boyfriend. Life goes on.

Lexa gives Clarke space. She’s there for her, obviously, but she doesn’t bring up the kiss again and neither does Clarke. She spends some time with Anya. She takes up fencing. She starts her new job.

It’s two months of dancing around each other before Clarke turns up at her door at 2am and says, “I’m ready, okay? Now are you going to kiss me again before I go mad?”

Lexa acquiesces despite being half-asleep, because how could she not. Clarke spins them and pins Lexa against the wall, thumbs at her hipbone and kisses down her stomach. Lexa tangles her hands in Clarke’s hair and gasps.

Later, when they’re tangled up in the sheets, the sun just coming in through the blinds, Lexa says, “I love you too, Clarke.”

Clarke smiles and says, “I _had_ hoped so, after all that.”

Lexa kisses her. “‘All that’ was worth it, wasn’t it?”

“Always.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> you can follow me at dontholdthiswarinside.tumblr.com. say hi & cry with me over clexa headcanons


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